i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
