We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
did i walk over a car last night?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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