I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
