I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
