Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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