Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
