Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
