Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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