I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
