Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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