I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
