Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
