She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
