My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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