A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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