chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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