Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
