3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
