Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
