Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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