my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
