Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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