I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
