I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
