it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
