I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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