I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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