I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
