apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
