its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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