My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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