3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
