Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
