so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
