Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
