I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
