just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
