booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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