This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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