Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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