Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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