Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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