i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
