how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
