You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
