i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
