just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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