his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
