i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
