So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
