Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
