My Higher Power is John Stamos
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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