Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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