I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
is that a dick in a sweater?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
