Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
