So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
