Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
