I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Two words: blizzard sex
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
